Coffee with Ballard

 I had the chance to sit down with Keith Ballard for coffee yesterday. It was pretty crazy actually, I was just sitting there after doing some shopping at the pet store and this guy walks up to me and asks if he can have some Pupperoni. I told him sure, if I could ask him a few questions first.

This is how it went down


Christine: Are you aware that you only just passed the Canucks goalies in assists since being a Canuck?

Keith: .... I have always had more hipchecks!

Christine: So there's been some talk about a twitter account that is apparently yours.First it had a 2 and people were confused. I pointed out that the account had been around since January and at that point everyone had figured you'd be gone so maybe you were hoping to go to a team that you could have your 2 back. It has since changed to 4 and you have locked your account. Whats going on?

Keith: Well I was hoping to get more followers then Bieksa and Kesler but then I realized it wasn't going to happen... I'm as bad at twitter as I am at pranks and pumpkin carving.

Christine: Have you got your pants hemmed yet?

Keith: No

Christine: Why not?

Keith: I'm spending all my time working on my shootout technique so I'm ready, I know my time is coming!

Christine: Did you do some work in the off season to help with your fear of shootouts?

Keith: Did you see my shootouts in practice? I was 1 of only 3 players to score. Now I just need to buy AV a house so he will let me out there.

Christine: You scored a goal in the first regular season game of the season, I thought your time had come....What happened?

Keith: I really thought so to and I'm working on it. I'm off to a slow start, again...but I'm completely confident in myself and believe I will do better. I may bring a rabbit with me again on the next road trip.

Christine: You seem to miss the net a lot when you shoot, did you know the net hasn't moved position at all since you've been playing?

Keith: I still get a little nervous when I get the chance to shoot, I'm working on it and 100 percent confident in myself. I was kind of hoping to play a trick on the goalies, you know.. let them think I can't hit the actual net...then BAM it's in....it's a work in progress.

Christine: Have you talked to Chris Tanev lately? I miss seeing his little baby face

Keith: You miss it? I have nobody around here to pass on my knowledge to, everybody thinks they know how to play better then me.

Christine: What are your thoughts on the recent 'controversy' with Schneider and Luongo?

Keith: Well, you haven't seen me swing my stick at either of their heads yet have you?

Christine: ok... Moving on.... How's George doing?

Keith: He's good. Still just doing his thing... being small, not afraid to take on dogs bigger then him....but really..if anybody wants to send him some pupperoni....

Christine: hmm I see he takes after you. So, How about Aaron Ro.....

Keith: This interview is done.

And with that he got up and walked away with his head hung low. I saw him stop at the garbage on the way out, it appears he was grabbing some left over tuna, ham and turkey. My only guess is he needed some comfort food, in the form of a tuhamkey sandwich. I hope Derek Jory is ready for him. 

Thankfully, I do have this one picture to remember the time I had coffee with Keith Ballard.

Dear Keith

Dear Keith,

I said I wouldn't be doing anymore Dear Keiths for a bit, but then Canucks.com had to post this:




Were you drunk when you recorded this?... where do I even start. "he's all man, hes 14lbs  he's tough'. I'm sorry, my cat weighs more then that. I'll give you credit for the name George, its veeeery creative.  I have a cat named Nuckena, Canuck sounded to masculine to me and Athena was a nickname of a friend, put the 2 together and I got Nuckena. I thought it was a good idea but maybe I should of just named her...I don't know.....Martha, by your standards. "All man, he has a camouflage collar"so THAT'S my mistake, I better go and return my Victorias Secret camouflage capris, I might come off as  manly, damn that manly camouflage. I give you actual credit for the fact you never put him in one of those damn doggy backpack things, those are absolutely ridiculous, kind of like the fact Aaron Rome actually scored a (empty net) goal last night. I'm really glad you are protecting your dogs identity because it's not like we don't see your face every game,  your face isn't plastered all over the place online and around the city so of course people don't know what you look like. I understand people would totally see the dog first if you showed pictures  and think "Hey thats George!" and mob him for pictures and pawographs, not recognizing you first.

That is all,

Christine

So....
A quick run down of what we have learned today. George is 14 pounds, tough, and all man. He's white with a little bit of brown. He's  a Twins fan and  he requires a smaller bed than a big dog. He can sit, it's the only trick he knows to get a treat, and he loves cheese and Pupperoni. He loves big dogs, but he can beat them up, if one gets in  his face he's not afraid to defend himself. Wait.....are we sure Ballard's not talking about himself?


There may be an upside, notice Ballard is practically begging the Pup-Peroni people for free bags of treats. MAYBE that means he spent all his money on getting his pants hemmed, finally. Poor George, but remember, I did offer to do it for free. 




Disclaimer: George really is a cool name,  animals with 'real' names are awesome...like Nick.